Today, I have logged into my blog after a long time, and it seems to be a very strange coincidence that I had started blogging this very same day, 4 years ago. Those were the days of despair, I was struggling to find my space, trying hard to understand my feelings, but unable to express the things going on in my mind. I was drowning in misery, feeling all alone while being surrounded by a large number of people. It was just a simple random talk with a stranger that made me try my hand at blogging. And well, I started writing almost everyday, and slowly I learnt to let go of my past as well as to forget and forgive. I can definitely say, those days made me a stronger person. Thus gradually, the frequency of my posts reduced, as my happiness levels climbed steadily.
But alas, nothing comes without its flip side. Although I grew more confident and content with myself, I started to blindly trust people who were close to me. Of late, I have a nagging feeling of being pulled back to those days, a strange fear that I may have to relive those melancholy days again. I wish I could believe this has been caused due to the sudden shift in my job location across continents and cultures. But deep down inside me there is someone telling me its not. My sub-conscious mind tells me its because I have begun to realise that my trust is broken. But the egoistic me, does not seem to accept the reality. I fruitlessly try to shut out the voice that screams out the truth to me. I do not want to accept that I made a mistake. Well, I don’t think I made a mistake anyway, because, my decision did not take away anyone’s happiness except mine. Any other decision, would have been detrimental to either of the other parties involved.
So as I said, I am trying really hard to shut out this noble voice trying to get me out of this mess. Perhaps it’s this struggle with myself, that’s bringing me to the verge of a panic attack. It’s hard to accept that I am being pulled down only by the ones I love. This present confinement scenario does not seem to help either, when new to a place, all alone. At times, my heart starts pounding scarily fast, and I feel so helpless and trapped. As the whole world awaits the eradication of this nasty virus, I eagerly await the day my thoughts are vindicated and I prove my inner voices to be wrong. The feeling of having been taken for a ride yet again, is something I don’t think I can survive once more. I don’t want my trust to be broken, at any cost.