A Defeated Battle

Why is it that people with depression are shunned so much by the society, perhaps much more than an HIV patient or a transgender would be. (Don’t get me wrong, I have no intention of saying that these people are to be shunned, nor do I support that. However, in the Indian society that I belong to, the society’s idea of the worst that can happen to you is this). However, there are several voluntary groups and organization that come in support of such ostracized social categories of people. But I wonder why it’s only very few people who even acknowledge depression, to say the least. For most, its just something that you bring upon yourself. To put it in simple words, “the fault is my own”, as Linkin Park says.

By the way, I was just listening to Linkin Park after a long time, and probably that’s what triggered a flood of painful memories in my mind. When someone so popular as Chester Bennington failed to get enough support, although his cry for help very loud and clear, how could someone as insignificant as me expect the world to hear my cries. Linkin Park songs have always been my solace from depression. Moreover, every time I hear their songs, I start thinking of all that I’ve gone through. Well, its a vicious circle. Each time I have a bout of depression, I search for Linkin park songs on YouTube. It definitely makes me feel better, but at the same time brings with it a lot of memories of my previous instance of depression.

The last 2 years of my life have been rather peaceful and I was somehow convinced that I had won my battle with the monsters in my head. But I was completely wrong, for the monsters were far more strong than I presumed. They were just waiting for a conducive environment, just like a dormant seed waiting to germinate. The gloomy winter, combined with my sudden change in job and place, was the best they could get. It has already broken the dormancy, threatening now to grow into a fully grown one, stronger than ever.

I really do wish I could open up to someone. But I’m just not able to make it, for fear of being judged. I’m sure I would be looked down upon, by every single person around me, as long as they have not gone through depression. And no brownie points for supporting depression!! Whereas anyone supporting the LGBTQ community or raising their voices in their favour, would be lauded by a large section of the society and called a progressive and humane person. (They undeniably need that support, no doubt). The other day, I somehow mustered courage and decided to speak to my husband about my situation. As soon as I started explaining things, I realised my mistake. He just didn’t seem to get what I meant, and things were going in the another direction than I expected. That was it, and I decided against coming out in the open about my situation anymore. Can’t blame him, for he has never experienced such a thing. I definitely don’t want to lose my loved ones, nor do I want to be branded as MAD by the society, just because of the nasty things going on in my mind. This is the very reason I chose to remain anonymous on this blog, so that I can openly write about my feelings, without being judged.

Sorry for the long writeup friends. I didn’t want today to be yet another night of crying all alone.

“I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind”

The Angel That Never Came!

I wish God was real.
That He would come down and hold me tight
Tell me it’s going to be alright
And embrace me in a warm hug I long for.

At this moment of despair, when nothing seems to uplift me,
When loneliness has taken its toll on me
When hope seems to be a long-lost dream
I yearn for an invisible hand,

An angelic hand that can save me from drowning
As I asphyxiate in this ocean of misery,
Trying hard to keep myself alive
And ward off the monsters engulfing my head.

But I wonder if angels truly exist!
I would have met one for sure, if they did
Coz I’ve encountered only demons in my life,
All around me, and deep within my soul.

I’ve learned not to trust people.
For eventually they’ll let you down and leave you to the monsters
Although for them, you’ve invested all your heart and soul.

In spite of all this, deep inside me I realise
The silent dream that I cherish
Of my angel who would come down with outstretched arms,
And take me along to some far away land,
With no glimpse of sorrow or suffering
My angel who would hold my hand, so that I never fall.