I hate being underestimated by people around me. It has become so severe that I have seriously started to underestimate myself.Everyone now thinks there’s nothing that i can achieve, nothing that I’m capable of doing.
There was a time when I was considered an over achiever, long back when in my school days. But sometime during my college days, I started slipping. Not that I ever wanted that to happen, but fate never gives you a choice. Those were the days when Grandpa was seriously ill, and all that I wanted was to be with him. He was much more to me than anyone could imagine. He was my best friend and confidant, the only person in the world to whom I could open up. Being very reserved and with very few friends, I was not too open with my parents either. I guess God was trying to make me stronger when he took my grandfather away from me, but He failed miserably.
Grandpa’s death brought a huge void into my life, that no one could fill. I was too heartbroken that I couldn’t even cry out loud for a day. Slowly grief started overpowering me. It was all tears for another week. But still I found it difficult to accept the fact that I was now alone emotionally. Though nearly two hundred kilometres apart, I had been used to talking daily with Grandpa. He was the only one to realise even the slightest sadness in me just by hearing my voice. All of that suddenly gone, and I felt stranded. The saddest part was that none of the people around me understood my predicament. I was never expressive in my feelings towards anyone, which made them think that I had no feelings at all.
My mind was so disturbed that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, or for that matter anything at all. I started becoming indifferent to the happenings around, about to slowly drift into a phase of depression. I began avoiding my friends and kept to myself. I tried my best to help myself, and to a small extent I was able to keep tame my mind, though not for too long. I was no more the overachiever that I used to be, I had lost all my determination and confidence without Grandpa to support me by my side. My parents tried to advise me, reprimand me, shout at me, but nothing worked, and they finally gave up all their hopes about me. I fought the battle on my own (though I never won), and went on to do my masters and land in my dream job.
The battle against my mind is not yet done with. I still have sleepless nights and sudden bouts of depression. It’s been over five years since Grandpa left me, but the pain is still fresh. It has been getting worse recently, and there are times when I feel completely lost and hopeless. I sometimes wonder why he left me and went away from me. Life would never have turned out this way had fate not been so cruel. The void that he left is only getting bigger day by day, and at times, all that I feel is loneliness. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about my feelings to anyone. All my grief was piled up in my mind waiting to explode some day. There are days when I suddenly start crying, not sure what triggered it.
I hope one day I’ll be able to come to terms with all this. I want to be at peace with my past. That’s the reason I decided to write. It was too emotional and difficult to write this, but I want to speak it out in the hope that it might make me feel a little better. A lot of memories are flooding my mind now. I really do wish I can be stronger.