A Confession

I hate being underestimated by people around me. It has become so severe that I have seriously started to underestimate myself.Everyone now thinks there’s nothing that i can achieve, nothing that I’m capable of doing.

There was a time when I was considered an over achiever, long back when in my school days. But sometime during my college days, I started slipping. Not that I ever wanted that to happen, but fate never gives you a choice. Those were the days when Grandpa was seriously ill, and all that I wanted was to be with him. He was much more to me than anyone could imagine. He was my best friend and confidant, the only person in the world to whom I could open up. Being very reserved and with very few friends, I was not too open with my parents either. I guess God was trying to make me stronger when he took my grandfather away from me, but He failed miserably.

Grandpa’s death brought a huge void into my life, that no one could fill. I was too heartbroken that I couldn’t even cry out loud for a day. Slowly grief started overpowering me. It was all tears for another week. But still I found it difficult to accept the fact that I was now alone emotionally. Though nearly two hundred kilometres apart, I had been used to talking daily with Grandpa. He was the only one to realise even the slightest sadness in me just by hearing my voice. All of that suddenly gone, and I felt stranded. The saddest part was that none of the people around me understood my predicament. I was never expressive in my feelings towards anyone, which made them think that I had no feelings at all.

My mind was so disturbed that I couldn’t concentrate on my studies, or for that matter anything at all. I started becoming indifferent to the happenings around, about to slowly drift into a phase of depression. I began avoiding my friends and kept to myself. I tried my best to help myself, and to a small extent I was able to keep tame my mind, though not for too long. I was no more the overachiever that I used to be, I had lost all my determination and confidence without Grandpa to support me by my side. My parents tried to advise me, reprimand me, shout at me, but nothing worked, and they finally gave up all their hopes about me. I fought the battle on my own (though I never won), and went on to do my masters and land in my dream job.

The battle against my mind is not yet done with. I still have sleepless nights and sudden bouts of depression. It’s been over five years since Grandpa left me, but the pain is still fresh. It has been getting worse recently, and there are times when I feel completely lost and hopeless. I sometimes wonder why he left me and went away from me. Life would never have turned out this way had fate not been so cruel. The void that he left is only getting bigger day by day, and at times, all that I feel is loneliness. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk about my feelings to anyone. All my grief was piled up in my mind waiting to explode some day. There are days when I suddenly start crying, not sure what triggered it.

I hope one day I’ll be able to come to terms with all this. I want to be at peace with my past. That’s the reason I decided to write. It was too emotional and difficult to write this, but I want to speak it out in the hope that it might make me feel a little better. A lot of memories are flooding my mind now. I really do wish I can be stronger.

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7 thoughts on “A Confession

  1. Big Hug !! Big Big Big hug. Loved what your shared. I won’t say or council cause I know when I lost my day I was 22 years old. And I was quite fed up of be strong , be strong, be strong. you have to be strong for your mother, you have to finish your degree. Tell me something I don’t know. But a few things that helped me was meditation, writing it out. Time heals honestly time heals. 23 years on – daddy little girl misses him always, I never thought the pain would go never, but time heals a broken heart because the good memories are with you for always and for ever. The one thought I had I have to make my dad proud. Love your post. big hug from a stranger in London, England

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear, I can very much understand the pain u r going through. It happens in life as it’s a part of life. No one can stay forever, but the ones who do stay after some are gone, are there to fulfill a purpose for sure! Consider the example of the caterpillar that never learnt to fly even after becoming a butterfly. There’s a long story behind it. So, I’ll narrate it to u so that it makes sense. In Shaa ALLAH!
    There was once a child playing in a garden, and this child saw that the caterpillar he used to see in his garden, was now trying to come out of the cocoon it had built around it. This is the time when the caterpillar has become a butterfly inside of the cocoon and pushes itself to come out of this cocoon. The child feared that it would have to go through a lot of pain while doing so. So, he tore the wall of the cocoon and took the new butterfly out. But, he was saddened to see as the butterfly couldn’t fly ever after. MORAL: The struggles that the butterfly makes in order to come out of the cocoon enables it to fly later on. When this doesn’t happen, the butterfly has not developed enough to fly!!
    So the problems we come across in life, enable us to become better afterwards in life just as in the case of the butterfly. If they aren’t there, we wouldn’t learn to fly high. This is God’s mercy upon us, not a misery. At the time being, one may not comprehend the wisdom, but later in life it does make sense. Just don’t lose hope!

    Liked by 1 person

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